On the road again!!

Tessa is settling in well at the farm home and is making progress they have her on zoloft and an allergy med to help with her anxiety. We talk to her about once or twice a day depending, on her schedule and ours. We leave Thursday night and go to my cousins and get in around 11pm and go pick Tess up the following morning for the day untill 8 pm. Until the private insurance runs out it will be day visits only and we get to keep her till 8pm. And then we head back early on Sunday morning for here. We got a new truck as our van Bessie has let us know under no certain terms that her long haul days are done. I mean she has done great over the 7 years we've had her she got us to TN and back here!

I still have not talked to my Mom and won't be, this time it's not only for my sake but for my dd's. Chey it seems is having a hard time adjusting to the "new" Tessa I hate using that word but I don't know how else to describe it. Tessa told me Mom it's ok it's hard for her to understand all the hard work and changing I'm going through... That sentence right there tells me that we are doing the right thing. I've gotten alot of flack from my family over here. So the support I need isn't here except for my friend Pam who has been such a sweetheart! She comes out and takes care of my dogs while we are away. It does get lonely not having her here that much I will say it's weird just doing dinner for four or laundery even! This morning I have an appt to meet with people from lifeways to get her on the ohp, so then she can be treated after our private insurance runs out.

While the traveling is rough on Chey and Neeko they have been such troopers!!! Thank goodness for the laptop let me tell you!!! It's an over 5 hour trip up and back and they miss school on Friday and will continue to till the end of the school year but both teachers say they kids are doing great! So we just keep doing the homework and sending it back on Monday or Tuesday depending on how road weary they are on Sunday. They have their cousins that are staying with my Cousin Jeanne to play with Sug or Aiyana Rain and Noah Edward. They are so sweet and so polite! They are my cousin Barry's kids and unfortunatley he's going through some rough times and can't keep them right now. Him and his wife are getting a divorce and it's helped Grandma Jeanne's spirit immensly to have them.

There are days I feel like a complete failure as a Mom that my child is away from me that I couldn't fix what is wrong and that all the couseling I have taken her to didn't work. In my bio family she is the 4th generation to go to the farm home my Uncle told me he went there and really like it....I was shocked to say in the least. Out of all the places she could have gone! Other bio family members have said they do excellent work there. It makes my heart heavy though to not be able to have her here at home with me. She did ask to go to my sister grave site which we did and she just really cried and cried and cried we both did. We put a medicine bag and burned sweet grass for her and told her how much we loved her and missed her. I think it was good for the both of us it brought us closer if you will. It was so cool before we went there Tessa found a pink rose wich was Rosie's favorite color of roses and purple ballons floating in the sky on our way out!!!! Rosies two favorite colors how cool is that??? I believe in signs from the other side and sis you did a wonderful thing for that sweet little girl!!

So there you have it everything for the most part that has happened between the last post till now I hope you are all well and I'll check in later....

hey megan!!!

Just passing through salem and wanted to say hi and happy mothers day!!!

My Daughter Tessa

Is in a home for children with mental instabilities, we just sent her there last week and she is 9 years old. She suffers from ptsd from the sexual abuse by her babysitter which is in prison and serving time. Now when Tessa was around 4 we moved back over by my Mom because dh was going into the army and he wanted me by family. Well not such a good idea, when he got out we got pg with Neeko and around that time my Mom decided she wanted a divorce from my Step Dad she just didn't want to be married anymore. So I decided that I still wanted to have contact with my stepdad my Mom would hear nothing of it!!! We even went to a counseling session at my request to discuss this. It came to be that the counselor agreed that is was ok for me to keep this man in my life as I was and am an adult and can make my own decisions. Shortly after that we had to make a trip into Portland and dh dropped me off at my Mom's real quick while he went down to Shwabies to get the tires done. Even though I knew my Mom wasn't the happiest with me I figured since then she'd of calmed down and things would be okish. I had Tessa and Chey with me and all of a sudden she starts screaming and yelling about how I don't love her and how I am betraying her and not respecting her choices. Tessa at this time was 5 years old and Chey just about 2. All I remember doing was taking the girls out of the kitchen and turning my back on my Mom and she started beating me on the back with her fists mind you I was pg with Neeko at the time. I got the girls shoes on and told them it was ok and as I got Tessa out the door and had picked up Chey and had her on my side my Mom pushed me as hard as she could out the door. Tessa that sweet little girl caught my arm to keep me from going down on my belly and looked at my Mom and said "don't you hurt my Mommy"!!! My Mom says I was screaming and yelling at her as well, no I don't think so I just wanted to get my babies out of there!!! If there is one thing I have never done is stood up to my Mom. Why because with her being schizo it would only fan the flames and make her feel justified. Do I feel beat down you bet I do. Since that incident the kids have witnessed much much more. Not because I ever expect because I never know when it will happen.. So it looks like I will be making a complete break from her, why you ask? Because Tessa has made it known to her counselors in treatment that she is afraid to leave ME alone with her Nana her Nana is mean mean mean!!! We have a problem a big one and the only way I can forsee this cycle of abuse stopping is for me to move the whole family and try and hide from her. I did try this once before though and she found us. If I have to I'll get a restraining order. When you find out that your child's ptsd is also being caused by your adoptive Mother game over. WHen the not wanting to eat disorder kicked in and the cutting all the self harm we knew we had to do something for her. So for right now we get to see her on the weekeneds and until her other insurance kicks in we can't take her overnite till then. It's so hard not having her here with me with us. We feel so incomplete, and our hearts are heavy and sad. I have however reconnected with a cousin of mine who is like a Mom to me the way a Mom should be, kind loving and trusting. She is an amazing woman and I don't know how we could get through all this without her. So it looks like a move to the valley is in order. It won't be for awhile though we need to plan and prepare and I just need to get it through my head and heart that no good will ever come from a relationship with my adoptive mom it just won't no matter how hard "I" try.

Give Away Scentsy plug in!!!!

http://spanglerfam.blogspot.com/2009/04/giveaway.html

Go check it out!!!

Chey has to go for a sleep study to measure the severness of her seizures, so we do that next month and also go by Children's hospital for her cranio stuff. Spent most of the day with Pam she was so sweet and took Neeko and I out to lunch, Jay even got to go! Neeko at ALL of his cheeseburger and fries which shocked all of us and he normally only eats like half but afterwards he kept saying "mama I think I'm gonna be sick to my tummy" So we boot scooted it home and he burped and farted and said "nope I feel much better now don't worry Mommy" LOL!!!

So then Pam came out last night and we let them catch up on Heroes that we had saved on our DVR and I treated Pam's ears. I didn't eat dinner but made everyone else roast beef sandwiches with purple onions and lettuce tomatoes and swiss cheese and a big ole salad. I was still full from lunch! Cliff had a lot of fun playing with Emma she loved his stinky feet LOL! James was exhausted but had fun watching Emma be a goof ball. Ok well that's it for now gotta go get my little ones on the bus!!

Tomorrow I take Chey back to the Peds and we discuss where to go from here. My friend Pam is going to take me and she'll watch Neeko while I go talk to the doc. Not much else going on just gettin off my butt and cleaning like a mad woman feels like I'm getting back into the groove of things. I'm thinking about volunteering in the mornings where my friend works for a couple of hours it will give me something to do but that won't be till Emma is done with all her shots as I'd be around dogs and puppies that people bring in and leave.

Spring Break was good the kids and I did lots of craft activities together and watched lots of movies and ate candy and popcorn YUM and played with Emma she seems to get bigger everyday!!! WE had like ONE good weather day and the kids got to wear their shorts and we took them out to eat and to the park and for ice cream afterwards, it was alot of fun. Bought the Twilight DVD and will be having my Niece over so we can watch it together, yes I even got the movie companion book that goes with it pathetic I know!!! LOL Just need to get a shirt and I'll be set! ;)

My Mom informed me that I have my cousins from back in Oklahoma coming for a visit soon!!! I'm so excited as these are ones that James hasn't gotten to ever meet! And then we'll be having cousins from down in California come for a visit as well around August I think? And my little brother should be in town here soon. He's bummed he lost his job, and the play he was going to be in that he invested in everyone who invested in it the total was like 6 grand got cancelled, yeah he's not too happy about it. But I told him to come over and I'd feed him and let him game it out on the couch with dh and I. Speaking of which I really need to scrub the utility room hallway it is so bad!!! So I'm off to do that I hope you are all well and I'll check in later!

Still here

Taking it day by day some days I'm numb other days all I do is cry and curl up in a ball and just hug my kiddoes. I miss her laughter her humor her advice I miss her hugs her phone calls and letters. I miss her cooking, and the way her and dh would interact they would tease each other so much it would have you in side aching laughter literally!!! I'll miss going to Pow Wow's with her too, it was so much fun to do that with her and the family. I'm alone now I know it's me and Wes now and I"m so thankful I have my Nephew he's been such a rock for me through all this. As has Dh and my Cousin Jeanne, still haven't talked to my Uncle and I'm not too sure when that will happen. Though my cousin told me to not hold my anger long for my elder while my head understand that my heart does not, not yet.

In other news we've yet to get Chey's eeg results back her ped is on vaca for spring break *sigh* but we should know something by Monday!! Not much else going on just finally getting the house out of junk zone and trying to get back into the groove the best I can. It's hard because my adopted family just doesn't care about what I'm going through I have one friend here who has helped keep my sanity. When my adopted brother found out he said well you know I didn't like her but you still should of had the choice to say goodbye to her when she was asking for you. Like I said they just don't get it. I know my little adopted brother would be sympathetic but I just don't want to talk about it with him I'll be a sobbing mess again and I'm exhausted from crying right now my eyes literally sting and I'm tired so tired sleep has NOT been forthcoming lately. My doc wants to put me on some sleeping crap but I don't need anymore meds!!! I have quite enough thank you!!! I was going to go down this weekend to Grand Ronde to where she is buried but will have to put it off till the 4th of July week because the puppy isn't old enough to be kenneled and there is no one here to take her and my friend would but she works at a humane society and they work with animals sooooo she said she would feel horrible if even with her getting her shots she came down with something she might bring home from work. That I totally understand!!! Ok I'm off the phone is ringing!!

A fucking year later I find out my sister passed away!!!!

I have been kept out of the loop of this by my own uncle for a year NOW!!!! She wanted me there but he was afraid that my brother Larry who raped me would hurt me because he was there. WEll guess what had I shown up he HAD to leave~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so very mad!!!! She made the choice to keep him in her life and I respected that so our communications were spotty at best but she understood why I was doing it to keep the kids safe and myself and James safe. My cousin who has had a stroke told me about it this afternoon and I've just been heart sick knowing that in her dying days she wanted me there and knowing that my Uncle lied and said he told me BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Knowing that I never got to tell her goodbye to tell her I loved her one last time it's just killing me right now I'm a sobbing wreck!!!!!!!!!!!! My Nephew told me that Rosie understood why I didnt' come no she didn't not by any means of the truth. He said but in the end she knew that you loved her. But my heart is just broken and shattered.

How could my Uncle do that????????????? Why????? Good grief I feel like I got slammed into a brick wall and it's all la tee dah for my Uncle. He hasn't let me talk to Wesley and when he wanted to talk to me Uncle would say I was out or he was busy or vice versa. It's just not fair and it's not right how could he betray that way???? He said had I gone a lot of fighting would of happened I said well maybe if you had come but not me I was there when my brother Marcus passsed away from liver failure I was there when Uncle Mike passed of the same thing why couldn't I be there when my sister passed from the same thing????? How scared she must of been and lonely and deserted by me????? UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know how I am ever going to be able to forgive my Uncle! Ever!

Chey Update

She had a tonic seizure with the flashing lights it was so scary so we're waiting on results for the rest of the eeg and then being reffered to a dr Webby in Portland. I'm absoloutley floored While I had my gut feelings on this but seeing it just made me so scared mad and sad for her.

SHe is home today she is exhausted and still asleep, and now it all makes sense!!! The mornings I literally have to drag and pull her out of bed are from her seizures. The constant falling out of the bed and ending up on the floor ALL.THE.TIME. I feel like Doernbecher's really let her and us down bigtime. I don't even have the desire to call them right now because if I do it'll be bad. I'll keep you all updated we should know more by tomorrow.

Chey goes in for an eeg this morning please keep her in your thoughts. They think she is having what are known as absent seizures..:(

Everyone is on the upswing of being in sickville, well with one exceptions James informed me this morning that he has ringworm. *sigh* We know where he got it from so I had to let my friend Pam know he has it she feels terrible! She had this one cat come back and it had patches missing and before I could tell J to NOT touch the cat he did and well yeah. So it's going to be another day of doctor's peds and hoping Chey can go BACK to school today!!!

We have a new addition to our family her name is Emma and she is a a BUGG, a cross between a pug and a boston terrier. For anyone who has issues with this crossing please keep your comments to yourselves because my dh's Mom breeds Boston's and she's had an absoloute COW that we have one. So she alone has been enough of a headache. I must say she is an awesome pup though she slept in our bed and I only had to take her out once to use the bathroom. She played for a bit and slept the rest of the time. I'll get pics posted here soon, she is adorable. Rachel I hope Tim's surgery goes well and that your new dryer is working out!!! Everyone else I am getting around to you I've just been busier than normal it seems!!!

When it rains it pours!!!

Took CHey to the peds yesterday figuring she had just a run of the mill cold well turns out she has pneumonia!!!! It's only in her lower left lobe so we caught it just in time and she won't have to go into the hospital if the ammox works. She seems much better today already we have to keep telling her to get back in bed!!! LOL So no school for her for the next two weeks and I'm going to get some arts and crafts that she can do from her bed so she's not so bored.

In other news the vets office sent us a clay imprint of Mojo along with a beautiful card signed by all the staff it was very sweet of them, they were just about as attached to him as we were. I'm miss the little guy the clicking of his feet and his snorting. I've been given the option by a friend of ours to get a BUGG it's a cross between a boston terrier and a pug but Im not so sure I think we all need to just heal first and then someday down the road get another one.

Heartbroken

My Dog Mojo had a stroke yesterday and died in my arms..:( I am so lucky because I was there when he was born I actually helped his Mama birth him and had the honour of being there when he passed. The house is quiet I am quiet and sad it feels like my heart is broken into a million pieces right now. I think I've cried enough to last our water bill for the next few months. Everywhere I look I reminders of him. Even know as I sit here and type he would of been curled up in my lap. We took the girls and Neeko to say goodbye to him yesterday at the vets office. We are having him cremated and he'll be sent back a week later. Sorry all my posts have been so downer later it's not my intent it just seems that I'm going through that rough season of the thing called life.

Still just not as much

Meds are kickin my ass and NOT working!!!!!!!!! So today there will be a change in meds and I'll be just as sick as I have been OH THE JOY!!! Christmas and J's 6 weeks of vaca were a lifesaver for sure and I miss him terribly now that he has gone back to work..:( Kids got bit by the tummy flu bug this last week poor kiddoes so it's been alot of curling up on the couch and snuggling. Sorry for such a downer post just keepin on keepin on I guess. I hope you are all well and I"ll be back later to check on you all///:)