Tomorrow I take Chey back to the Peds and we discuss where to go from here. My friend Pam is going to take me and she'll watch Neeko while I go talk to the doc. Not much else going on just gettin off my butt and cleaning like a mad woman feels like I'm getting back into the groove of things. I'm thinking about volunteering in the mornings where my friend works for a couple of hours it will give me something to do but that won't be till Emma is done with all her shots as I'd be around dogs and puppies that people bring in and leave.

Spring Break was good the kids and I did lots of craft activities together and watched lots of movies and ate candy and popcorn YUM and played with Emma she seems to get bigger everyday!!! WE had like ONE good weather day and the kids got to wear their shorts and we took them out to eat and to the park and for ice cream afterwards, it was alot of fun. Bought the Twilight DVD and will be having my Niece over so we can watch it together, yes I even got the movie companion book that goes with it pathetic I know!!! LOL Just need to get a shirt and I'll be set! ;)

My Mom informed me that I have my cousins from back in Oklahoma coming for a visit soon!!! I'm so excited as these are ones that James hasn't gotten to ever meet! And then we'll be having cousins from down in California come for a visit as well around August I think? And my little brother should be in town here soon. He's bummed he lost his job, and the play he was going to be in that he invested in everyone who invested in it the total was like 6 grand got cancelled, yeah he's not too happy about it. But I told him to come over and I'd feed him and let him game it out on the couch with dh and I. Speaking of which I really need to scrub the utility room hallway it is so bad!!! So I'm off to do that I hope you are all well and I'll check in later!

Still here

Taking it day by day some days I'm numb other days all I do is cry and curl up in a ball and just hug my kiddoes. I miss her laughter her humor her advice I miss her hugs her phone calls and letters. I miss her cooking, and the way her and dh would interact they would tease each other so much it would have you in side aching laughter literally!!! I'll miss going to Pow Wow's with her too, it was so much fun to do that with her and the family. I'm alone now I know it's me and Wes now and I"m so thankful I have my Nephew he's been such a rock for me through all this. As has Dh and my Cousin Jeanne, still haven't talked to my Uncle and I'm not too sure when that will happen. Though my cousin told me to not hold my anger long for my elder while my head understand that my heart does not, not yet.

In other news we've yet to get Chey's eeg results back her ped is on vaca for spring break *sigh* but we should know something by Monday!! Not much else going on just finally getting the house out of junk zone and trying to get back into the groove the best I can. It's hard because my adopted family just doesn't care about what I'm going through I have one friend here who has helped keep my sanity. When my adopted brother found out he said well you know I didn't like her but you still should of had the choice to say goodbye to her when she was asking for you. Like I said they just don't get it. I know my little adopted brother would be sympathetic but I just don't want to talk about it with him I'll be a sobbing mess again and I'm exhausted from crying right now my eyes literally sting and I'm tired so tired sleep has NOT been forthcoming lately. My doc wants to put me on some sleeping crap but I don't need anymore meds!!! I have quite enough thank you!!! I was going to go down this weekend to Grand Ronde to where she is buried but will have to put it off till the 4th of July week because the puppy isn't old enough to be kenneled and there is no one here to take her and my friend would but she works at a humane society and they work with animals sooooo she said she would feel horrible if even with her getting her shots she came down with something she might bring home from work. That I totally understand!!! Ok I'm off the phone is ringing!!

A fucking year later I find out my sister passed away!!!!

I have been kept out of the loop of this by my own uncle for a year NOW!!!! She wanted me there but he was afraid that my brother Larry who raped me would hurt me because he was there. WEll guess what had I shown up he HAD to leave~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so very mad!!!! She made the choice to keep him in her life and I respected that so our communications were spotty at best but she understood why I was doing it to keep the kids safe and myself and James safe. My cousin who has had a stroke told me about it this afternoon and I've just been heart sick knowing that in her dying days she wanted me there and knowing that my Uncle lied and said he told me BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Knowing that I never got to tell her goodbye to tell her I loved her one last time it's just killing me right now I'm a sobbing wreck!!!!!!!!!!!! My Nephew told me that Rosie understood why I didnt' come no she didn't not by any means of the truth. He said but in the end she knew that you loved her. But my heart is just broken and shattered.

How could my Uncle do that????????????? Why????? Good grief I feel like I got slammed into a brick wall and it's all la tee dah for my Uncle. He hasn't let me talk to Wesley and when he wanted to talk to me Uncle would say I was out or he was busy or vice versa. It's just not fair and it's not right how could he betray that way???? He said had I gone a lot of fighting would of happened I said well maybe if you had come but not me I was there when my brother Marcus passsed away from liver failure I was there when Uncle Mike passed of the same thing why couldn't I be there when my sister passed from the same thing????? How scared she must of been and lonely and deserted by me????? UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know how I am ever going to be able to forgive my Uncle! Ever!

Chey Update

She had a tonic seizure with the flashing lights it was so scary so we're waiting on results for the rest of the eeg and then being reffered to a dr Webby in Portland. I'm absoloutley floored While I had my gut feelings on this but seeing it just made me so scared mad and sad for her.

SHe is home today she is exhausted and still asleep, and now it all makes sense!!! The mornings I literally have to drag and pull her out of bed are from her seizures. The constant falling out of the bed and ending up on the floor ALL.THE.TIME. I feel like Doernbecher's really let her and us down bigtime. I don't even have the desire to call them right now because if I do it'll be bad. I'll keep you all updated we should know more by tomorrow.

Chey goes in for an eeg this morning please keep her in your thoughts. They think she is having what are known as absent seizures..:(

Everyone is on the upswing of being in sickville, well with one exceptions James informed me this morning that he has ringworm. *sigh* We know where he got it from so I had to let my friend Pam know he has it she feels terrible! She had this one cat come back and it had patches missing and before I could tell J to NOT touch the cat he did and well yeah. So it's going to be another day of doctor's peds and hoping Chey can go BACK to school today!!!

We have a new addition to our family her name is Emma and she is a a BUGG, a cross between a pug and a boston terrier. For anyone who has issues with this crossing please keep your comments to yourselves because my dh's Mom breeds Boston's and she's had an absoloute COW that we have one. So she alone has been enough of a headache. I must say she is an awesome pup though she slept in our bed and I only had to take her out once to use the bathroom. She played for a bit and slept the rest of the time. I'll get pics posted here soon, she is adorable. Rachel I hope Tim's surgery goes well and that your new dryer is working out!!! Everyone else I am getting around to you I've just been busier than normal it seems!!!