On the road again!!

Tessa is settling in well at the farm home and is making progress they have her on zoloft and an allergy med to help with her anxiety. We talk to her about once or twice a day depending, on her schedule and ours. We leave Thursday night and go to my cousins and get in around 11pm and go pick Tess up the following morning for the day untill 8 pm. Until the private insurance runs out it will be day visits only and we get to keep her till 8pm. And then we head back early on Sunday morning for here. We got a new truck as our van Bessie has let us know under no certain terms that her long haul days are done. I mean she has done great over the 7 years we've had her she got us to TN and back here!

I still have not talked to my Mom and won't be, this time it's not only for my sake but for my dd's. Chey it seems is having a hard time adjusting to the "new" Tessa I hate using that word but I don't know how else to describe it. Tessa told me Mom it's ok it's hard for her to understand all the hard work and changing I'm going through... That sentence right there tells me that we are doing the right thing. I've gotten alot of flack from my family over here. So the support I need isn't here except for my friend Pam who has been such a sweetheart! She comes out and takes care of my dogs while we are away. It does get lonely not having her here that much I will say it's weird just doing dinner for four or laundery even! This morning I have an appt to meet with people from lifeways to get her on the ohp, so then she can be treated after our private insurance runs out.

While the traveling is rough on Chey and Neeko they have been such troopers!!! Thank goodness for the laptop let me tell you!!! It's an over 5 hour trip up and back and they miss school on Friday and will continue to till the end of the school year but both teachers say they kids are doing great! So we just keep doing the homework and sending it back on Monday or Tuesday depending on how road weary they are on Sunday. They have their cousins that are staying with my Cousin Jeanne to play with Sug or Aiyana Rain and Noah Edward. They are so sweet and so polite! They are my cousin Barry's kids and unfortunatley he's going through some rough times and can't keep them right now. Him and his wife are getting a divorce and it's helped Grandma Jeanne's spirit immensly to have them.

There are days I feel like a complete failure as a Mom that my child is away from me that I couldn't fix what is wrong and that all the couseling I have taken her to didn't work. In my bio family she is the 4th generation to go to the farm home my Uncle told me he went there and really like it....I was shocked to say in the least. Out of all the places she could have gone! Other bio family members have said they do excellent work there. It makes my heart heavy though to not be able to have her here at home with me. She did ask to go to my sister grave site which we did and she just really cried and cried and cried we both did. We put a medicine bag and burned sweet grass for her and told her how much we loved her and missed her. I think it was good for the both of us it brought us closer if you will. It was so cool before we went there Tessa found a pink rose wich was Rosie's favorite color of roses and purple ballons floating in the sky on our way out!!!! Rosies two favorite colors how cool is that??? I believe in signs from the other side and sis you did a wonderful thing for that sweet little girl!!

So there you have it everything for the most part that has happened between the last post till now I hope you are all well and I'll check in later....

hey megan!!!

Just passing through salem and wanted to say hi and happy mothers day!!!

My Daughter Tessa

Is in a home for children with mental instabilities, we just sent her there last week and she is 9 years old. She suffers from ptsd from the sexual abuse by her babysitter which is in prison and serving time. Now when Tessa was around 4 we moved back over by my Mom because dh was going into the army and he wanted me by family. Well not such a good idea, when he got out we got pg with Neeko and around that time my Mom decided she wanted a divorce from my Step Dad she just didn't want to be married anymore. So I decided that I still wanted to have contact with my stepdad my Mom would hear nothing of it!!! We even went to a counseling session at my request to discuss this. It came to be that the counselor agreed that is was ok for me to keep this man in my life as I was and am an adult and can make my own decisions. Shortly after that we had to make a trip into Portland and dh dropped me off at my Mom's real quick while he went down to Shwabies to get the tires done. Even though I knew my Mom wasn't the happiest with me I figured since then she'd of calmed down and things would be okish. I had Tessa and Chey with me and all of a sudden she starts screaming and yelling about how I don't love her and how I am betraying her and not respecting her choices. Tessa at this time was 5 years old and Chey just about 2. All I remember doing was taking the girls out of the kitchen and turning my back on my Mom and she started beating me on the back with her fists mind you I was pg with Neeko at the time. I got the girls shoes on and told them it was ok and as I got Tessa out the door and had picked up Chey and had her on my side my Mom pushed me as hard as she could out the door. Tessa that sweet little girl caught my arm to keep me from going down on my belly and looked at my Mom and said "don't you hurt my Mommy"!!! My Mom says I was screaming and yelling at her as well, no I don't think so I just wanted to get my babies out of there!!! If there is one thing I have never done is stood up to my Mom. Why because with her being schizo it would only fan the flames and make her feel justified. Do I feel beat down you bet I do. Since that incident the kids have witnessed much much more. Not because I ever expect because I never know when it will happen.. So it looks like I will be making a complete break from her, why you ask? Because Tessa has made it known to her counselors in treatment that she is afraid to leave ME alone with her Nana her Nana is mean mean mean!!! We have a problem a big one and the only way I can forsee this cycle of abuse stopping is for me to move the whole family and try and hide from her. I did try this once before though and she found us. If I have to I'll get a restraining order. When you find out that your child's ptsd is also being caused by your adoptive Mother game over. WHen the not wanting to eat disorder kicked in and the cutting all the self harm we knew we had to do something for her. So for right now we get to see her on the weekeneds and until her other insurance kicks in we can't take her overnite till then. It's so hard not having her here with me with us. We feel so incomplete, and our hearts are heavy and sad. I have however reconnected with a cousin of mine who is like a Mom to me the way a Mom should be, kind loving and trusting. She is an amazing woman and I don't know how we could get through all this without her. So it looks like a move to the valley is in order. It won't be for awhile though we need to plan and prepare and I just need to get it through my head and heart that no good will ever come from a relationship with my adoptive mom it just won't no matter how hard "I" try.